Michael (he/him)

Who have you been supporting with cancer?

My partner, Chessie.

Can you tell us a bit about what they were diagnosed with and when?

Chessie was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in October 2019. It’s a blood cancer, specifically of the bone marrow, that typically is diagnosed in much older people. It’s incurable, which means there is no cure as such, but it can be treated and some people can live with it for a long time.

What did you think and feel when you found out about the diagnosis?

It was an incredible shock to be honest. Chessie had been quite unwell with kidney failure and I had already scared myself using the internet when the doctors started talking about things like paraproteins and kidney biopsies. But when she actually was diagnosed with the scariest thing I’d Googled, my brain couldn’t really comprehend it.

What support have you felt you needed in dealing with the cancer diagnosis of your loved one?

Since the initial shock of the diagnosis, where I think we both just needed time to cry to various people, the best support has fallen into two areas. Firstly, practical support has been invaluable. The amount of admin that someone with cancer has to deal with is overwhelming at times, from the number of appointments and treatments, to the management of symptoms and literally bags full of medication. However, regular life still carries on.The house still needs cleaning, dinner needs cooking, and so on. People cooking food for us and leaving it in the freezer has made such a big difference on days where we’ve both just not had the energy or will to cook.

Secondly, emotional support is very important, but can be much harder to get. Because of the complexity of cancer, you can spend half the time with a friend or relative educating them about the ins and outs of the diagnosis and treatment. This means there is little time to have a conversation about how hard things have been. Also, people want to be optimistic and will say things like “well, at least she’s having the best treatment available” when, actually, a lot of what is happening is awful, and you just need a space in which to express this without putting things in a good light.

What support have you been able to provide?

It’s quite hard for me to quantify what support I have been able to provide because support is just part of our relationship. That being said, I hope I have been able to support Chessie by trying to make things easier for her, from helping to understand her cancer better, to taking pressure off of her with regards to jobs around the house. I try to be someone to talk to and someone to rely on when times are particularly hard.

However, thatI am not a superhero, and I have certainly struggled at times to effectively support Chessie. I’ve definitely been a frozen deer in the headlights sometimes, when actually what is needed is a bit more action. Central to supporting her has been learning about what I need to do to manage and support myself.

How did the people around you react? Have they supported you?

People have reacted in all manner of ways. A few have run away, but most haven’t. Some people have absolutely supported me and Chessie, from making us meals to offering us places to get away from it all. However, if I’m honest, most people around me have not really been able to support me in the way that I would like or need. This is because they fundamentally don’t understand the realities of living with someone who has cancer and the emotional drain that this can entail. Sometimes I have really needed an opportunity to share frank truths about how bad things have been or how scared I am about the future, and it’s very difficult for your friends and family to play that role. I’m not really sure if I have wanted them to play that role anyway; sometimes all I’ve wanted is a chance to go for a beer and talk about anything other than cancer.  It’s really a very tricky ask to be a supportive person to someone whose partner has cancer.

How did you get involved with Shine?

Chessie initially found Shine as there are not that many charities that are set up to support younger people with cancer. She had enjoyed a programme run by Shine and had noticed they were running a Plus Ones programme, so recommended that I participate. If I’m honest, I was skeptical, as I’m a person that tends to stick their head in the sand, but Chessie can be very persuasive and I decided to give it a go.

What difference has Shine made to you?

Shine has made a big difference to me, as it fundamentally altered my attitude to support groups for people affected by cancer. Before, I didn’t really want to attend and chat about feelings or whatever with a bunch of strangers. However, on attending I realised that in some ways I immediately felt very close to the others in my group and much more able to speak with them than with my own friends or family.  This was because they shared a lot of my feelings and experiences. It has meant that I am much more comfortable now with the idea of reaching out to others with shared experience. It’s comforting to know that it’s easy to connect with people through organisations such as Shine

How do you feel now about your experience in coping with cancer? What‘s been the biggest change you’ve faced?

Even now, almost two and a half years after Chessie’s diagnosis, I’m still learning how to cope with cancer.  This has been the biggest change for me, in that I am someone that likes to finish things, to get things done and dusted. For a long period of time I viewed Chessie’s treatment as something that would end and then we would go back to “normal”. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that, even if the cancer was curable, this is a ridiculous expectation. Cancer is a bulldozer, and the path it smashes through lives cannot be covered up so easily.

If you could give one piece of advice to yourself before you were affected by cancer, what would it be?

I very much doubt I’d listen, but I’d probably suggest working through some of the anxiety and worry issues while life is relatively sweet and there isn’t so much to actually worry about.